November is National Adoption Month.
November 22nd is National Adoption Day.
This is a big deal in our family.
It has been 18 months (May 6, 2013) since the adoption of
our second son - Benson Davis Dear-Strain- became final.
A large part of me is still in shock about the whole process
- I would like to share what I can about my experience. The end result being
that my husband and I were in the delivery room when Benson was born and we
were the first ones to hold him, we named him and we took him home from the
hospital. He was our first attempt at adoption, the birth mother did not change
her mind and the adoption became final 9 months after he was born.
Before we started looking at the adoption process I knew
zero, I mean zero about it. Now I know a lot. Now when I hear the word
“adoption” the first words to come to mind are: Fight, strength, difficult, a
grind. Every aspect of an adoption is difficult. Every aspect takes strength.
It takes strength for the birth mom to love the baby so much she makes that
decision. That is the important part. It takes strength for the birth parents
to go to all the Dr. appointments and hear the heartbeat and bond with the baby
knowing that the birth mom could change her mind at any time. It takes strength
for the potential adoptive parents to hang in there, always wondering, daily,
if the birth mom will change her mind. It takes strength to bring that little 2
day old baby home from the hospital and love it and not know if someone is
going to show up and take it away because the birth mom changed her mind. It
takes strength and just pure grit to make it through the whole questionnaire,
home check, psyche test, etc, etc, etc test while you are going through the process. The
home checks were the WORST. SO many times I wanted to quit. I don’t know why we didn’t quit. Maybe the
money we had already put in kept us going. Maybe we were just too tired to quit
or too stubborn.
Our story goes like this. We go into an adoption agency
(private one) in late April. We decide to use this lawyer ( big mistake to say
the least) We write our dear birth mom letter in a bar on Cinco de Mayo. That letter
stressed me out so much. Thank you Alyssa for asking to read it, meant a lot to
me. We get matched the Thursday before Mother’s Day, within a month of the time
we first walked through the door. Our birth mom was 6 months along. We got to
go to the last 3 months of Dr appts. See ultra sound pics, hear the heart beat,
etc etc. and bond with the birth mom, who became like family. We got very easy
together and I think that was so important. She will always be in our lives.
Baby is born 3 weeks early (aug 8, 2012) via emergency C Section because he was
breech. We take him home from the hospital. She has the chance to waive her
rights to the 30 day wait, she does not do it. We wait the full 30 days. She does not
change her mind. We go through many tests and get finger printed. We get a
court date. We go in front of the judge and he makes the adoption final. We now have a 2 year old and a 9 month old.
For me, the deep sigh of relief did not come after our 30
days wait, which surprised me. For me, I did not even breathe right until the
judge granted the adoption final. It was nine months of being on edge. I think
adoption is not for the weak. And I think people who may be weak, and then
decide on adoption, if you want it bad enough, you will become stronger than
you ever imagined you could. I think adoption is a beautiful process, if done
right. Our adoption was not a beautiful process. It was a greedy lawyer and his
assistant who dropped his cash cow (birth mom) the second she went into labor.
We took care of her when she went into labor, we drove her to the hospital, we
kept visiting her hospital room and bringing her food and making sure she was
okay. Once the lawyer got his money he was done with all of us. No follow up.
No asking how things are. So I am jaded by the whole process. I think follow-up
support for us and the birth mom woul d have been magnificent.
When I over hear people say, yeah we are thinking of
adoption - I kind of cringe because I know the road that lay ahead. Not all adoptions
are so hard and some are definitely much much harder. But the only constant is
that it will be difficult and emotionally and financially draining.
There is this idea out there floating around that adoption
is a “fall back”, a “last resort” only for couples who cannot have a biological
baby. I don’t think that’s true at all. I think, if a couple is willing to
fight so hard for a child, and frankly pay so much for it, it should never been
seen as a fall back, it should be celebrated. Yes adoption was not our first
choice. But it was not our “fall back” plan. I was a healthy, fertile 34 year
old. I certainly could have had
another biological child. To me, I just wanted to add to my family. I wanted to
give Beckett a sibling and I did not want to deal with the heart ache of
possibly losing another baby. Some woman
decide on IVF, some decide to adopt, some decide to try again and again and
again for a biological child. Whatever method we woman decide to add to our
families should never be questioned or doubted. It just should not. I will
never view Benson as any less than Beckett nor will he ever be my “fall back
kid.”
I’ve learned so much from the adoption process. Mainly about
how strong I am and our family is. About human nature and the bond we have with
our children and how much a mother could love her child and how horrible some
people can be and how loving some people can be. I have also learned that even
though it is 2014 we are not as evolved as I believed. I get more
comments/inquiries/questions about adoption than I ever really imagined. On a good day I just kind of answer the
questions, on a bad day, when I am in a rush and just trying to buy milk, it
gets to me. On a really really bad day when I am just done.in. -it can make me
cry. People can be so cruel. This is the path we chose and I know this is how
it will be but sometimes it is hard to just let some comments roll off.
Especially the comments like: Oh at least you have a real child. Or: Didn’t you want another real child. OR:
Are you going to try for another real child? So please people be aware of your
comments you make to strangers, they do have an impact.
Happy National Adoption Month. If you are on the edge of adopting or not,
please make sure you take time researching and picking the right agency! That
is key. .JPG)
